What its like - For me

“Why don’t you just eat a salad!?”

Dealing with a binge episode kind of sucks. Some people just think it’s a lack of willpower, some people think it’s all a lie. I’ve been doing it long enough that I’ve also believed those things. In truth, part of it is both of those things, but it’s not all of it. I hope to make sense of it here in how it presents itself to me. And for posterity, this is a reminder that because it’s this way for me, it doesn’t mean it is this way for everyone.

It all starts with a whisper in my head, or just a slight tingling sensation that I’ve never managed to pin down exactly where it originates from. It’s a hint of wanting to eat a specific thing… something salty, something cheesy. Sometimes it starts the day before, sometimes it’s an hour before, doesn’t really matter, the battle has begun. From there a conversation starts in my head on if I should do it or not, and the battle of wills begins.

More often than not, and this is how I’ve explained it to therapists, the battle rages on for a bit, “I” lose, and that voice pushing the binge wins. I’ve likened it to blacking out and not coming to until after the binge has occurred. I really mean this because I don’t fully feel present. I can see myself doing the things, eating all of the food, and I can’t do anything to stop it in the moment.

Without getting too specific it is generally two fast food meals, in the largest size I can order. I don’t tend to do sweet things, mostly salty and cheesy. There is no amount of stressing that I could do to help you understand how completely helpless I feel in these moments. It’s like the guy who is normally behind the wheel has been locked in a cage. I guess if you’ve seen Inside-Out? I just have a hungry little gremlin in my head that locks everyone else up, but makes sure they can see the damage being done.

Once it’s done, the real me comes back and all I’m left with is the aftermath. I feel disgusted, sad, embarrassed, ashamed, and stressed. Physically, well.. it’s about what you’d expect. I feel bloated, tired, an overall sense of just being unhealthy, and just generally sick to my stomach. I spent the rest of the day wondering how I could have let it happen and that I need to hide this shameful act. I’ve become the thing I hate AGAIN! Why couldn’t I just eat a salad? Why couldn’t I have just had the leftovers or the food I had planned to eat? It’s there, ready to be eaten. I’m clearly just a worthless piece of junk to have given in and done this to myself YET again.

Later that day…. it all starts again. That quiet voice that whispers, “That was good, but we haven’t had X in a while. Might be nice to give that a try. If you don’t, if you stick with this change you’ll NEVER be allowed to eat there again. It’s a trigger… so just give in…”

This is what its like in the moment. I just feel totally helpless.

All is not lost for me though. I will be sharing things I’ve tried and what has and has not actually helped me, but I wanted to give this its own space. I’ll also share what I think my triggers are, and the source of where I think it actually came from in its own post as well. I hope that I’ve described it well enough that there is at least some sense of how hard it is/can be. Again, this is how I experience it. I wish I were stronger. I do fear the inevitable consequences of these actions. There’s hope though. I continue to put up the good fight, and I will never stop. If you have this issue, I hope that you never stop fighting as well and at some point the bell will ring and your hand will be raised in victory.

-TFMD